06 Feb

Jokes Fun One-liners: Anti-bored Dose – I

It’s been long I have read jokes online, but last week I happen to read a few best jokes.

Mostly these are all realted to technology / IT / Computers and persons in those fields but each joke is hilarious.
Few are very old and you might have heard em many times but they’re must recall
Along with that there are oneliner / funny quotes included as well..
Have a great time…. Share more if you have better…so read ON…

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You must work in management.”
“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

One SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, “Can I join you?”.

A Physicist, an Engineer and a Tester were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed”.
The engineer said “I think I’ve got a few spanners in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong”.
The Tester said “Why don’t see if it’s reproducible?”

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.

The rest of them will write Perl programs.

Q: “Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?”
A: Inheritance

To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

In the 1960′s the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information.
One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, “Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!”
The commander was skeptical. “How do you know?”
“I broke into their research lab and stole a page from the teletype machine! It’s not the whole program, but it’s the final page and contains the concluding logic of the program! See for yourself!!!!”
The commander looked at the page and smiled:

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“Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I’ll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems.”

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

A novice programmer was explained the meaning of RTFM. He showed up the next day saying: “So I went out and bought the Kama Sutra. Now what?”

Why programmers like UNIX:
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

Two threads walk into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and yells, “hey, I want don’t any race conditions like last time !”

The non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth an eighth, and so on.
The bartender looks at the line going out the door,turns to the line and says “you guys suck!”.
Then he pours two beers and walks away.
[A borrowed explanation to above joke!! ;) Mathematical explaination :– The solution to such a problem is s = (a1)/(1-k). Where a1 is the first number, and k is the constant rate of increase or decrease. k<1 means convergence, so you get s = (1)/(1-0,5) = 2

Why doesn’t C++ have a garbage collector?
Because there would be nothing left!

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

Yo mamma so fat that not even Dijkstra is able to find a shortest path around her.

Hardware: The part of a computer that you can kick.

IT is a funny industry. Can you think of any other group of people that would make an acronym as an excuse to say sexy (SCSI) and have everyone mispronounce it as scuzzy.

So which is your favorite?

01 Apr

Selected Oscar Wilde Quotes

Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde!! Oscar Wilde is well known for his biting wit. And he has an extraordinary way of representing the things.

Here is some collection of famous quotes of Oscar Wilde:

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.
A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. To be natural is to be obvious, and to be obvious is to be inartistic.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
Anybody can be good in the country. There are no temptations there.
Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Charity creates a multitude of sins.
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realise.
He must have a truly romantic nature, for he weeps when there is nothing at all to weep about.
He was always late on principle, his principle being that punctuality is the thief of time.
How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
I have nothing to declare except my genuis.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.
If there was less sympathy in the world, there would be less trouble in the world.
If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn’t. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But… it is better to be good than to be ugly.
It is only by not paying one’s bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.
It is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned.
It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about, nowadays, saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely and entirely true.
It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.
Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.
No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.
Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris.
One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be.
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

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One’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead.
Only the shallow know themselves.
Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.
Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities.
Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.
She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result.
The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.
The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it… I can resist everything but temptation.
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
The world is divided into two classes, those who believe the incredible, and those who do the improbable.
There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating – people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There is always something infinitely mean about other people’s tragedies.
Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.
Women are made to be loved, not understood.
Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.
When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
When a man has once loved a woman he will do anything for her except continue to love her.
There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
True friends stab you in the front.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written.
Those whom the gods love grow young.
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else.
There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathise with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life’s sores the better.
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

04 Feb

Funny Computer laws – quotes

Amdahl’s Law: The speed-up achievable on a parallel computer can be significantly limited by the existence of a small fraction of inherently sequential code which cannot be parallelised. (Gene Amdahl)

Augustine’s Second Law of Socioscience: For every scientific (or engineering) action, there is an equal and opposite social reaction. (Norman Augustine)

Benford’s Law: Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available. (Gregory Benford)

Brooks’ Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. (Frederick P Brooks Jr)

Church-Turing Thesis: Every function which would naturally be regarded as computable can be computed by the universal Turing machine.

Clarke’s First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. (Arthur C Clarke)

Clarke’s Second Law: The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible. (Arthur C Clarke)

Clarke’s Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. (Arthur C Clarke)

Conway’s Law: If you have four groups working on a compiler, you’ll get a 4-pass compiler. (Melvin Conway)

Cope’s Law: There is a general tendency toward size increase in evolution. (Edward Drinker Cope)

Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. (Scott Adams)

Deutsch’s Seven Fallacies of Distributed Computing: Reliable delivery; Zero latency; Infinite bandwidth; Secure transmissions; Stable topology; Single adminstrator; Zero cost. (Peter Deutsch)

Ellison’s Law: The userbase for strong cryptography declines by half with every additional keystroke or mouseclick required to make it work. (Carl Ellison)

Ellison’s Law: The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. (Harlan Ellison)

Ellison’s Law: Once the business data have been centralized and integrated, the value of the database is greater than the sum of the preexisting parts. (Larry Ellison)

Finagle’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will. (?Larry Niven)

Fisher’s Fundamental Theorem: The more highly adapted an organism becomes, the less adaptable it is to any new change. (R A Fisher)

Fitts’s Law: The movement time required for tapping operations is a linear function of the log of the ratio of the distance to the target divided by width of the target. (Paul Fitts)

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Flon’s axiom: There does not now, nor will there ever, exist a programming language in which it is the least bit hard to write bad programs. (Lawrence Flon)

Gilder’s Law: Bandwidth grows at least three times faster than computer power. (George Gilder)

Godwin’s Law: As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one. (Mike Godwin)

Grosch’s Law: The cost of computing systems increases as the square root of the computational power of the systems. (Herbert Grosch)

Grove’s Law: Telecommunications bandwidth doubles every century. (Andy Grove)

Hanlon’s Law: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. (?Robert Heinlein)

Hartree’s Law: Whatever the state of a project, the time a project-leader will estimate for completition is constant. (Douglas Hartree)

Heisenbug Uncertainty Principle: Most production software bugs are soft: they go away when you look at them. (Jim Gray)

Hick’s Law: The time to choose between a number of alternative targets is a function of the number of targets and is related logarithmically. (W E Hick)

Hoare’s Law: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. (Charles Hoare)

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you think, even when you take Hofstadter’s Law into account. (Douglas Hofstadter)

Jakob’s Law of the Internet User Experience: Users spend most of their time on other websites. (Jakob Nielsen)

Joy’s Law: Computing power of the fastest microprocessors, measured in MIPS, increases exponentially in time. (Bill Joy)

Kerckhoff’s Principle: Security resides solely in the key. (Auguste Kerckhoff)

Kurzweil’s Law of Accelerating Returns: As order exponentially increases, time exponentially speeds up (that is, the time interval between salient events grows shorter as time passes). (Ray Kurzweil)

Law of the Conservation of Catastrophe: The solutions to one crisis pave the way for some equal or greater future disaster. (William McNeill)

Law of False Alerts: As the rate of erroneous alerts increases, operator reliance, or belief, in subsequent warnings decreases. (George Spafford)

Lister’s Law: People under time pressure don’t think faster. (Timothy Lister)

Lloyd’s Hypothesis: Everything that’s worth understanding about a complex system, can be understood in terms of how it processes information. (Seth Lloyd)

Metcalfe’s Law: The value of a network grows as the square of the number of its users. (Robert Metcalfe)

Moore’s Law: Transistor die sizes are cut in half every 24 months. Therefore, both the number of transistors on a chip and the speed of each transistor double every 18 (or 12 or 24) months. (Gordon Moore)

Murphy’s Law: If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it. (Edward A Murphy)

Nathan’s First Law: Software is a gas; it expands to fill its container. (Nathan Myhrvold)

Ninety-ninety Law: The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time. (Tom Cargill)

Occam’s Razor: The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct. (William of Occam)

Osborn’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t. (Don Osborn)

Parkinson’s Law: Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. (C Northcote Parkinson)

Pareto Principle: 20% of the people own 80% of the country’s assets. (Corollary: 20% of the effort generates 80% of the results.) (Vilfredo Pareto)

Pesticide Paradox: Every method you use to prevent or find bugs leaves a residue of subtler bugs against which those methods are ineffectual. (Bruce Beizer)

Peter Principle: In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. (Laurence J Peter)

Red Queen Principle: For an evolutionary system, continuing development is needed just in order to maintain its fitness relative to the system it is co-evolving with. (Leigh van Valen)

Rock’s Law: The cost of semiconductor fabrication equipment doubles every four years. (Arthur Rock)

Rule of 1950: The probability that automated decisions systems will be adopted is approximately one divided by one plus the number of individuals involved in the approval process who were born in 1950 or before squared. (Frank Demmler)

Sixty-sixty Law: Sixty percent of software’s dollar is spent on maintenance, and sixty percent of that maintenance is enhancement. (Robert Glass)

Spector’s Law: The time it takes your favorite application to complete a given task doubles with each new revision. (Lincoln Spector)

Sturgeon’s Law: Ninety percent of everything is crap. (Theodore Sturgeon)

Tesler’s Law of Conservation of Complexity: You cannot reduce the complexity of a given task beyond a certain point. Once you’ve reached that point, you can only shift the burden around. (Larry Tesler)

Tesler’s Theorem: Artificial Intelligence is whatever hasn’t been done yet. (Larry Tesler)

Weibull’s Power Law: The logarithm of failure rates increases linearly with the logarithm of age. (Waloddi Weibull)

Weinberg’s Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. (Gerald M Weinberg)

Wirth’s Law: Software gets slower faster than hardware gets faster. (Nicklaus Wirth)

Zawinski’s Law: Every program attempts to expand until it can read mail. Those programs which cannot so expand are replaced by ones which can. (Jamie Zawinski)

Isaac Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics:

A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
A robot must obey orders given to it by a human being except where such orders would conflict with the first law.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second law.

Isaac Asimov’s Zeroth Law of Robotics:

A robot may not injure humanity, or, through inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.

04 Feb

Collection for insulting – one liners

Collection of insulting one-liners:

A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero. (Thanks, Chris Cole)
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, I’ve decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it’s hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don’t you send them a penny and square the account?
Alone: In bad company.
And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
Any friend of yours … is a friend of yours.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~
As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert Reinhold ~
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people – you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing!
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?
Careful now, don’t let your brains go to your head!
Converse with any plankton lately?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
Doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words.
Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
Don’t let your mind wander — it’s too little to be let out alone.
Don’t mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.
Don’t thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.
Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!
Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling —- in your skull?
Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I’ve wanted to cut it down.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Fat? You’re not fat, you’re just … fat.
For two cents I’d give you a piece of my mind – and all of yours.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
Go fart peas at the moon !!
Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
Has the IQ of lint.
Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?
He can open his mail with that nose!
He can think without moving his lips!
He comes from a long line of real estate people — they’re a vacant lot.
He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.
He doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. –From “Steel Magnolias”
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap — always closed!
He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.
He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.
He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.
He is always lost in thought — it’s unfamiliar territory.
He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.
He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is so conceited his eyes behold each other perfectly.
He is so short his hair smell like feet
He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
He is so old that his blood type was discontinued. ~ Bill Dana ~
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.
He smells the coffee, but can’t find the pot / a cup. (Thanks, Jim & Annie Herrin)
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
He’d steal the straw from his mother’s kennel.
Hello – tall, dark and obnoxious!
Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
He’s got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.
He’s just visiting this planet.
He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
He’s so dense that light bends around him.
He’s so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.
He’s so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.
He’s the first in his family born without a tail.
He’s the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it.
He’s the reason brothers and sisters shouldn’t marry.
Hey, act your age — senile!
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
His brain waves fall a little short of the beach.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
His origins are so low, you’d have to limbo under his family tree.
His personality’s split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.
His suitcase doesn’t have a handle.
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?
I always wanted to be a troubleshooter but now I see you are not worth it!
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim across the Columbia River and make a darker stain than that (about weak coffee.)
I can’t seem to remember you name, and please don’t help me!
I can’t talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?
I certainly hope you are sterile
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don’t know who you are, but whatever it is, I’m sure everyone will agree with me.
I don’t mind that you are talking so long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.
I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?
I don’t want you to turn the other cheek. It’s just as ugly.
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
I hear what you’re saying but I just don’t care.
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is – just plain rank!
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department — by a pair of handcuffs.
I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I heard that your brother was an only child. (Thanks, Richard J. Antus)
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody’s fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I know you’re a self-made man. It’s nice of you to take the blame!
I know you’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
I like you. People say I’ve no taste, but I like you.
I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I understand you, but thousands wouldn’t! (Thanks, Barbara)
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can’t count that high.
I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn’t get offended.
I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
I wouldn’t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire! (Thanks, Jack from Canada)
I’d hate to see you go, but I’d love to watch you leave! (Thanks, Clay)
I’d like to give you a going-away present … but you have to do your part.
I’d like to have the spitting concession his grave. (Thanks, Donn O’Meara)
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I’d like to leave you with one thought … but I’m not sure you have a place to put it!
I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass. (Thanks, llaje)
I’d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I’d rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.
I’d slap you senseless … but I can’t spare three seconds! (Thanks, Philip Smith)
If brains were rain, you`d be a desert. (Thanks, Marie Gilstrap)
If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.
If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents!
If I promise to miss you, will you go away? (Thanks, Carolyn Gonzales)
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I’m glad.
If I want any shit outta you I’ll squeeze your head.
If I want your stupid opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart. (Thanks, Paul)
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn’t say hello, I’d say boo!
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If manure were music, you’d be a brass band.
If sex were fast food, you’d have an arch over your head.
If she was cast as Lady Godiva the horse would steal the show.
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invulnerable.
If you act like an ass, don’t get insulted if people ride you.
If you don’t like my opinion of you – improve yourself!
If you ever tax your brain, don’t charge more than a penny.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you had another brain like the one you’ve got, you’d still be a half-wit. (Thanks, Richard J. Antus)
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you were a body of water, you’d be a kiddie pool.
If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.
If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn’t fill an M&M.
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.
I’m blonde, what’s your excuse?
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance. (Thanks, Larry Coleman)
I’m going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
I’m not as dumb as you look.
In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king.
Instead of being born again, why don’t you just grow up?
Is that your nose or are you eating a banana? (Thanks, David B. Jordan)
It is mind over matter. I don’t mind, because you don’t matter. (Thanks, Jerry DeMas)
It is such a shame to ruin such beautiful blonde hair by dying your roots black. (Thanks, Jerry DeMas)
It’s hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen. (Thanks, N. Alan Hart)
I’ve come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.
I’ve had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
I’ve hated your looks from the start they gave me.
I’ve only got one nerve left, and you’re getting on it.
I’ve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
Judging by the old saying, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you,” he’s practically invulnerable.
Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!
Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end and you be yourself.
Let’s play house. You be the door and I’ll slam you.
Look, don’t go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you’ve got a palm.
Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you’re out of paper! (Thanks, Wendi Anderson)
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Man alive! But I wish you weren’t.
Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
No one will ever know that you’ve had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering. (Thanks, Rhiannon)
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave good-bye.
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Of all the people I’ve met you’re certainly one of them.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
People clap when they see you – their hands over their eyes or ears.
People say that you are outspoken but not by anyone that I know of.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Please breathe the other way. You’re bleaching my hair.
She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence! (Thanks, Lauri L. Bartlema)
She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet seat. (Thanks, Herb Heinsdorf)
She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face. (Thanks, Daryl Putman)
She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on make-up. (Thanks, Jim & Annie Herrin)
She was another one of his near Mrs.
She’s a lot like train tracks – she’s been laid across the country. (Thanks, Mark & Gail Badry)
She’s got a body that won’t quit and a brain that won’t start. (Thanks, Mitch Wold)
She’s got more chins than the Hong Kong telephone book. (Thanks, Tom Gilligan)
She’s like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.
She’s so ugly they used to put a pot roast in her lap so the dog would play with her.
She’s so ugly, she’d make a freight train take a dirt road! (Thanks, Lauri L. Bartlema)
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
Slit your wrists – it will lower your blood pressure.
So stupid, he moves his lips when watching TV. (Thanks, Katherine)
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself – and wish you hadn’t.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
Some people don’t hesitate to speak their minds because they have nothing to lose.
Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!
Someday you’ll go far, if you catch the right train.
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for you and said, ‘oh yes she is.’
Someone took a photo of you once but it didn’t turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
Take off that mask! Don’t you think it’s a little early for Halloween?
Talk is cheap, but so are you.
That’s a very meaty question and I’d like to give it a very meaty answer -baloney!
The closest she/he’ll ever get to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle. (Thanks, Chris Cole)
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.
The going got weird and he turned pro.
The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
The only thing he brought to this job was his car.
The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died. (Thanks, Lisa Berdine)
There are only two things I dislike about her – her face.
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It’s for people who are dead from the neck up.
They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters. (Thanks, Erica Balsley)
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
They say space is a dangerous place . . . especially if it’s between your ears! (Thanks, Richard Downing)
They say that travel broadens one. You must have been around the world.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look, your mother gave birth to you. (Thanks, Jojie Alcantara)
They shot him through the stupid forest, and he didn’t miss a tree. (Thanks, J.Dodd)
Thinking isn’t your strong suit, is it? –from “Lost In Space”
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Too bad stupidity isn’t painful.
We all spring from apes but you didn’t spring far enough.
We do not complain about your shortcomings but about your long stayings.
We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, “Do not come home and all will be forgiven.”
We know that you would give your life for us. Promises, promises!
We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
We know you could not live without us. We’ll pay for the funeral.
We’ll get along fine as soon as you realize I’m God.
Well, I’ll see you in my dreams – if I eat too much.
What color is the sky in your world? (Thanks, Jerry DeMas)
What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
Whatever is eating you – must be suffering horribly.
What’s the latest dope – besides you?
When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.
When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.
When you die, I’d like to go to your funeral but I’ll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they’re trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.
When you feel terrific, notify your face.
When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.
When you get run over by a car it shouldn’t be listed under accidents.
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say your stupidity.
When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!
Whom am I calling “stupid”? I don’t know. What’s your name?
Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
With a mind like yours, who needs a body?
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.
Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?
Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I’ll arrange it with the undertaker.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how’s life in the gutter?
You are a man of the world — and you know what sad shape the world is in.
You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat’s ass. (Thanks, Genia Thompson)
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.
You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
You are no longer beneath my contempt.
You are not as bad as people say – you are worse!
You are pretty as a picture and we’d love to hang you.
You are so boring that you can’t even entertain a doubt.
You are so dishonest that I can’t even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the sofa. (Thanks, Leslie Waddell)
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jaywalking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car
You are such a smart-ass I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is. (Thanks, Erin and Justin Keller)
You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you.
But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two days.
You don’t sweat much, for a fat girl.
You grow on people – like a wart!
You have a face only a mother could love – and she hates it!
You have a good weapon against muggers – your face!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You have a speech impediment … your foot.
You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there? (Thanks, Chris Cole)
You have an inferiority complex – and it’s fully justified.
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
You liked your first chin so much, you added two more.
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they’re your equals.
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You remind me of the ocean – you make me sick.
You say that you are always bright and early. Well OK, we know you are early.
You should be the poster child for birth control. (Thanks, Richard J. Antus)
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that’s all they’re good for.
You started at the bottom – and it’s been downhill ever since.
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.
You were born because your mother didn’t believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
Your dog is so stupid, he chases parked cars. (Thanks, David and Michael Luten)
Your family tree is good but you are the sap.
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
Your teeth are like stars – they come out at night.
Your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity.
You’re a habit I’d like to kick; with both feet.
You’re acquitting yourself in a way that no jury ever would.
You’re like one of those “idiot savants,” except without the “savant” part. (Thanks, Phil Dapayn)
You’re nobody’s fool. Let’s see if we can get someone to adopt you.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
You’re so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company. (Thanks, Deanne Deruchie)
You’re so fat when you jumped up you got stuck.
You’re so fat you got baptized at Sea World. (Thanks, Joanne P. Beckett)
You’re so fat you laid down in the ocean and Spain claimed you as the New World. (Thanks, Joanne P. Beckett)
You’re so fat you saw 90210 on a scale.
You’re so fat you use hoola-hoops to keep your socks up. (Thanks, Joanne P. Beckett)
You’re so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ”taxi”. (Thanks, David and Michael Luten)
You’re so low you could milk a pregnant snake!
You’re so old you drove a chariot to school.
You’re so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch “Sixty Minutes.”
You’re so small, you pose for trophies. (Thanks, David and Michael Luten)
You’re so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed. (Thanks, Joanne P. Beckett)
You’re so stupid you trip over the cord of a cellular phone! (Thanks, Katie Terhaar)
You’re so ugly when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job.
You’re so ugly you almost look like your mother.
You’re so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone (Thanks, Christopher B. Hurst)
You’re so ugly you make blind kids cry.
You’re so ugly your husband goes everywhere alone. (Thanks, Phillip Lord)
You’re so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes so he doesn’t have to kiss you bye. (Thanks, Phillip Lord)
You’re so ugly, when you walk into taco bell, EVERYONE runs for the border! (Thanks, Mike Miller)
You’re so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator. (Thanks, David and Michael Luten)
You’re the best at all you do – and all you do is make people hate you.
You’re very smart. You have brains you never used.
Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly too.
You’ve got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.

04 Jan

Selected Oscar Wilde Quotes

Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde!! Oscar Wilde is well known for his biting wit. And he has an extraordinary way of representing the things.

Here are some collection of famous quotes of Oscar Wilde:

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.
A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. To be natural is to be obvious, and to be obvious is to be inartistic.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
Anybody can be good in the country. There are no temptations there.
Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Charity creates a multitude of sins.
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realise.
He must have a truly romantic nature, for he weeps when there is nothing at all to weep about.
He was always late on principle, his principle being that punctuality is the thief of time.
How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
I have nothing to declare except my genuis.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.
If there was less sympathy in the world, there would be less trouble in the world.
If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn’t. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.

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Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But… it is better to be good than to be ugly.
It is only by not paying one’s bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.
It is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned.
It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about, nowadays, saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely and entirely true.
It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.
Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.
No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.
Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris.
One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be.
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
One’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead.
Only the shallow know themselves.
Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.
Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities.
Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.
She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result.
The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.
The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it… I can resist everything but temptation.
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
The world is divided into two classes, those who believe the incredible, and those who do the improbable.
There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating – people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There is always something infinitely mean about other people’s tragedies.
Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.
Women are made to be loved, not understood.
Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.
When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
When a man has once loved a woman he will do anything for her except continue to love her.
There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
True friends stab you in the front.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written.
Those whom the gods love grow young.
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else.
There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathise with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life’s sores the better.
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Selected Oscar Wilde Quotes
Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde!! Oscar Wilde is well known for his biting wit. And he has an extraordinary way of representing the things.
Here are some collection of famous quotes of Oscar Wilde:
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.
A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. To be natural is to be obvious, and to be obvious is to be inartistic.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
Anybody can be good in the country. There are no temptations there.
Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Charity creates a multitude of sins.
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realise.
He must have a truly romantic nature, for he weeps when there is nothing at all to weep about.
He was always late on principle, his principle being that punctuality is the thief of time.
How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
I have nothing to declare except my genuis.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.
If there was less sympathy in the world, there would be less trouble in the world.
If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn’t. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But… it is better to be good than to be ugly.
It is only by not paying one’s bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.
It is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned.
It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about, nowadays, saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely and entirely true.
It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.
Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.
No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.
Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris.
One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be.
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
One’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead.
Only the shallow know themselves.
Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.
Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities.
Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.
She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result.
The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.
The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it… I can resist everything but temptation.
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
The world is divided into two classes, those who believe the incredible, and those who do the improbable.
There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating – people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There is always something infinitely mean about other people’s tragedies.
Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.
Women are made to be loved, not understood.
Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.
When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
When a man has once loved a woman he will do anything for her except continue to love her.
There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
True friends stab you in the front.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written.
Those whom the gods love grow young.
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else.
There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathise with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life’s sores the better.
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.